MORNING
EVENING
Good Days v Bad Days
I want to share/document what happened to me this morning, in an attempt to process and cope with how I’m still feeling hours later and also, to share some sort of good news for a change, because it did start off ok, first I felt confused, the a little scared, then blissfully happy, but ended up with me feeling completely broken.
I’ve spent too long this morning crying, tears of joy and then fear about the here and now and what was to come.
A week ago, I had to increase my night time nerve blockers, despite knowing of the horrific side effects, I need sleep. I’m losing myself in pain and insomnia. I went to bed last night and Brian said it was like I’d turned off a switch and literally passed out.. that never happens, the pain is so fierce when I lie down.
When I woke up, I felt odd, still can’t find the words to explain it, just felt odd. I slowly sat up and put my feet on the floor, quite disoriented like usual, but I didn’t “feel” anything.
It took me a moment to realise the searing pain I get from the slightest movement hadn’t happened… wtf was happening. I sat there for a couple of minutes reassuring myself that I wasn’t paralysed, and that I “could” move my legs. (The fear every day is that one day this severe stenosis in my lower back could paralyse me). When I looked at my watched I was shocked to see it was 6.15am. I’d slept for 8 hours.
My first thoughts then were – see, all I needed was sleep, for my body to rest. But, I shook that away pretty quick as my spinal cord is being pinched/crushed in certain places, that ain’t going away from one nights sleep… so what the hell was happening.
Brian helped me stand up cautiously, and I started to access every part of my back, hips, groin, top of my legs, all the places where the pain is normally. It all felt numb, 100 times more numb than when you get injections at the dentist, the areas inside felt thick, tight & dense. I was scared to move, as I knew the pain was about to kick in at any second from movement.
It didn’t though, not straight away.. and in that moment I felt at peace, it was the most overwhelming feeling I’ve had since losing my dad 5 years ago and I cried, cried a lot. Brian understandably held me and cried some more..
For the first time in years, I couldn’t feel the pain, I was crying with joy, with relief, I felt so much peace in those moments, but then another feeling came.. I suddenly felt terrified, I didn’t want the pain to come back, I wanted that feeling to last a little longer, to have peace for a little longer, so I cried some more.
Eventually, I had to move, Olivia was going to be awake soon and she couldn’t see me like that, I couldn’t cope with how I was feeling, let alone for her to be able to process it.
I regained my composure, the one that the world sees, no matter how messed up my head is and went down stairs, slowly and cautiously.. As the burning pain began to come back, I felt the loss of the peace, I was grieving again for so much of a life lost, that I’m never getting back, that my family, my grandchildren, and my children will never get back, the fear of how much longer I’ll be living like this, how much I’m missing out on, how much my family is missing out on. Those feelings have developed over the years, as my pain has increased and I’ve been stopped from doing the things I love. But in that moment this morning, those thoughts all came at once, it was like I’d been hit by a freight train.
Those 10 minutes of peace, were full of joy and heartbreak.
Brian said I was given a glimpse of the future (after surgery) of a pain free life, and as much as I’d love to believe and trust in that, I can’t live with that level of hope. The reality is that I’ll be living with a level of pain for the rest of my life, surgery won’t make it all magically disappear..
Whilst I’m sitting here now crying with burning pain from the neck down, that doesn’t let go for a second, I’m too scared to allow myself to hope.
and the worst thing about this morning is… is what tomorrow will bring!!!!
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HARSH REALITY OF LIFE – PART 2 👇👇
https://flutterbuysbycaz.wordpress.com/2022/09/27/harsh-reality-of-life-part-2/
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