10am I’m going”out out!!!!!”
Now when “I” say “I’m going out out” it means I’m going to a “shop”, not out for the day shopping!!! I’m going to one shop, possibly two, will have to see how I feel after the first one..
Brian’s taking me to the Range, he’s going to pick up some fence panels, and yesterday I decided I would go with him!!! Why?? To explore the craft section of course…
I’ve not been “out out” (to a shop) since February, when we took 13yo to spend her Christmas and birthday money..
My first concern is the 35 min car drive that’ll mess up my back for days. It’s a bank holiday tomorrow, Brian’s not working and will be around to help out.. make sure the 13yo eats properly and help the 13yo chase the puppy around all day!!!
10.15am It took me a while to get in the car, getting the seat and my array of different shape pillows in the right places, I need complete support, so my torso doesn’t move.
I had my lumbar spine fused a year ago, found out January that I need 3 discs fused in my neck, but due to other complications it’s a dangerous op, which could leave me paralysed, so they want to delay it as long as possible..
I left the surgeons office being told to avoid bending my neck and looking down or looking over my shoulder in an attempt to delay any more “wear and tear”.
I left the physios office in February being told, she’s not giving me any exercises, the advice was to keep my neck warm and the muscle relaxed as much as possible to put less strain on the joints.
I’m riddled with osteoarthritis back, knees, wrists, neck and shoulders….
10.30 – starting to panic, pain is already encompassing me, I’m starting to doubt myself.. I’m feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, what am I wearing?, my hair is a mess and don’t even get me started on the make up… judgement, judgement, judgement… I really don’t care about people looking or pointing fingers, “look at her parking in the disabled space, nothing wrong with her”. Those arseholes can jump off a cliff.
I’m just not used to people anymore, where do I even fit into society? I can’t work, I have no friends, I barely leave the house, unless it’s to take my daughter out for “her” to socialise.
I remind myself, that even though my reflection in the mirror is making me doubt myself today, I look exactly the same as I did yesterday.
11am – arrived at the Range, oh crap it’s the shit one, a wonderful example of my memory playing tricks on me, I’d been picturing a completely different one, this one has smaller aisles with stuff strewn everywhere.. now I’m feeling tense, but I’ve survived this far, so might as well keep going..
11.05 here we go!!! No improvement, the shop is worse than the last time I came in here….
11.25 oh lord, I can’t look at anything on the top shelves, because the aisles are too narrow and I can’t get far enough back to see (that would be the not bending my neck issue), so I’m having to walk down the aisle and look “back and upwards”. I’ve had several collisions with cardboard boxes and trollies left by shop workers, I’m getting dizzy and disoriented, Brian is keeping me grounded and making me laugh as always.. what would I do without him.
12 noon – yes I’m still in here.. nearly at the tills, I have one speed normally, but I’m getting slower, the awful music, the bright lights, sensory overload is in full swing and I need a wee.
Thankfully the line is small, this part will usually finish me off, standing still is a big fat no no, everything starts to seize up.
12.15 – barely able to bend to get back in the car, but for some reason this was the moment I decided that as I was already out, we might as well pop to Asda around the corner. I have a particularly difficult child to feed, the list of foods she will eat is incredibly small. This is my chance to actually see what is offer. I’ve made some terrible online shopping choices, my judgment on sizes is awful, I’m a repeat offender too, I never learn, but I don’t have a choice, the idea of doing a weekly shop is overwhelming, there’s no way I could physically get it out and back in the trolley at the till, into the car, home, carry into the house and unpack it…
1.45pm – I’m hanging, holding on to Brian, barely, the shop was awful… my fault this time, different layout, don’t know where anything is, I can barely move my neck and there’s a queue…….
Grit and determination got me back to the car.. hanging on to the trolley, my wrists and shoulders have given up, I can’t push or control it, so Brian is guiding me and the trolley at this point.
The car drive home was horrendous, everything was going into spasm, I couldn’t get comfy and I’d forgotten my pillow for my neck, so I’m having to support my head the whole way home.
You don’t realise how heavy your head is until you don’t have the neck strength to hold it up.. the damage to the nerves in my neck are affecting my balance and vision, so by this point in the day I’m starting to get disoriented.
Was it worth it? I did get two huge pots of white and black gesso, two new pillows for my chair and some erasable pens for my daughter.
5pm – kill me now….
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